for the days when you feel like you can't do anything right

Something magical happens in my arms. They can chase away fears and calm heated nerves. They can heal bumps and scratches. They can soothe and calm. They can welcome sleep.

They can love.

When a baby wakes in the middle of the night, my arms are able to calm him. When a toddler is cranky and jealous of that baby, my arms can hold him tight to remind him that I am here and he is loved.

So, when my soul is bruised and beaten and I feel weak and worthless...(do you know those days?)...when my day has taken a path unplanned...when no one likes the dinner I've prepared, when tantrums rule my day, when I've gone over budget or when I've miscalculated, when I keep forgetting, making mistakes and messing up...

I have to remind myself that my arms are magic.

I can love.

I get that right every time.

Savor the Sweetness

We talk to our friends, our neighbors and our family about how quickly the kids are growing, how big they are getting and how we can't believe how fast it's all going. We shake our heads and our mouths fall into a thin line as we talk about how the years are flying by and how the kids were newborn babies only yesterday and now they are people with personalities and preferences and attitude.

We say these words and think these thoughts and maybe even get a bit teary eyed at the moments slipping through our fingers. We might even vow to be more present. But. When the moments present themselves, we don't see them. We brush them off. We overlook them. We're too busy.

It's time.

It's time to savor the sweetness.

When a little one is tugging at your legs and shouting up at you while you make dinner, don't view it as irritating. Pick that boy up and hold him close while you can. Savor his sweet embrace and feel the weight of him on your hip. He won't do this forever.

When a 2 year old begs to be picked up while you dance, don't refuse, don't say he's a big boy and can dance on his own. Pick that boy up and dance. Wave your arms in the air and waltz around the living room with smiles and belly laughs. Savor his want to be with you, savor the dimples and the giggles.

When he needs a few extra minutes with you before bed, when he needs to be rocked and patted, don't be annoyed because you have a long list of chores to get to. Just do it. Sit calmly and tell him he means the world to you. Look at his sweet face in the low light, breathe in his sweet smell and savor his wide smile with those 4 little teeth. Savor the cuddles and nuzzles.

When he wants help getting dressed or putting on his shoes or getting into his carseat, don't scoff and refuse because you know he can do it on his own. Don't think that by helping him you're letting him be lazy. Help him. Savor the chance to help and be close.

When he begs for you to play, when he wants to show you something, when he wants you to read to him, when he wants a hug, when he wants you to chase him, when he wants to sit on your lap even if you're still eating dinner, when he wants you to draw him Nemo for the 100th time or when he wants to give you one last good night kiss.

Savor the sweetness. Soak it all up. Every last drop. Because he will grow up. You'll give anything to get these moments back. You'll watch him graduate, all grown and ready to take on the world and your heart will ache for these moments. So, do it now. Savor, be present and remember. Set everything else aside, because nothing, NOTHING is more important than this.

Mama's Day

My children are still to young to understand Mother's Day. They don't know it's a day to thank mama for all her hard work, to be on their best behavior and to bring her flowers and plant sloppy kisses on her cheek. That's okay.

I find their praise for me in their laughter, their random hugs and their unexpected I love you, mama's.  I find their thank you's in the moments they run to me with skinned knees or a bumped head, the snuggles they initiate and wide, toothy smiles upon my return, little arms thrown around my neck.

I don't need flowers or breakfast in bed. I don't need cards or jewelry. I don't need these things to feel their thank you's, to feel their love.

Last year I wrote about feeling grateful. It stands true today. I am grateful for this journey, each new day and all the ups and downs that come with it.

I hope you are spending time with those you love today. Happy Mama's Day!

Flying with a Toddler

Shudder. Cringe. Stomach lurches.

As soon as I realized I had to take my toddler on an airplane with very little time to mentally dig down for strength, my palms got clammy, my heart pounded in my ears and I felt weak. I was afraid. Keep my spirited toddler in a very small space with limited entertainment and the need to be quiet and calm?? Whhhaaa?

Also, I was doing this on my own. 

My husband and baby had to stay home. I had to handle this very big first milestone on my own. Yikes. 

But.

To my surprise. 

He. Was. Awesome. 

Yup. I had envisioned meltdowns and freak outs and the many angry eyes that would stare at us and shake their heads in irritation. And there may have been a quick thought that they might have to land the plane and kick us off because I was unable to calm my toddler down. Even if it was in the middle of no where. 

My boy proved me wrong. 

I had but a few hours to pack and research surviving a plane ride with a toddler. I was able to find a few accounts of other traveling mamas and (even in my frazzled state) was able to put some of their ideas to use. It also helped that I frantically texted a couple friends, pleading for their tips. 

So, here's the lowdown on how I survived flying with a toddler:

1. Snacks. I brought a few packs of fruit snacks (which we don't normally eat so they were super special). I gave them to him during take off to help with ear popping. Worked like a charm. I also brought along goldfish, a banana, granola bars, raisins and dried cereal. 
2. Exercise. We didn't board the plane until nearly everyone else had boarded. I ran him around the terminal like crazy. We played chase and tickle monster to keep him moving. This really helped keep him from getting super restless on the plane. We also got up just a few times and walked the aisle and visited the lavatory during the flight. After we landed I let him walk through the airport to stretch his little legs. 
3. Responsibility. Oh this made him feel totally awesome. He had his own back pack to wear (just like Mama) and he could put whatever toys and books he wanted to bring inside. I also let him hand his boarding pass to the attendant, he felt so big. 
4. Stuff to do. We read books, colored, did stickers (I deliberately brought some that were a bit more tedious and it kept him engaged for a bit longer), sang songs, read his High Five Magazine and did the activities in it, did some letter recognition activities, played with a drawing app on my phone, watched some family videos on my phone (I had Dad record him one before we left, he loved it) and.....watched a movie on the lap top. I know this might be hard for those of you who aren't big on screen time BUT this really helped. We don't do a lot of screen time so this was special for him and he was even a pro at wearing the earbuds! 
5. Talk. About everything. Things in the airport, the airplane, the people, safety, where your going, what you'll do and who you'll see, the weather, the noises. Everything. He'll soak it up and talk about it for weeks after. It's a great new experience to learn about. You'll get tired of talking, so bring a water bottle with you. TSA let us after a vapor test (I told them it was for my boy and they obliged). 
6. Lovies. Oh boy. I almost had a huge fail on this one. We left it in the car and my poor husband had to run out with baby in arm to get the blanket and doggie that always make Evan feel comfortable. These were really helpful in flight because we folded up the blanket for Evan to rest his head on or covered him when it was chilly. He showed doggie how we were flying in the sky and they ate snacks together. 

That's it. We totally survived and enjoyed our new experience! So, if you have to travel with your tot, get excited, not scared. You guys can totally do this. 

P.S Don't forget to thank your neighbors for being so nice!

Also, if you have any tips, please leave them in the comments!

Starting Again

I'm in a strange place. Each time I try to start again, to get back to routine, to write, to be a part of the daily life.....my knees shake and my heart tightens and my breath becomes shallow. Each time I take a step forward I buckle and fall, then shut myself in my head.

I've gone missing from this space the last couple of weeks because my grandfather passed away. My toddler and I traveled to the midwest to honor him and to say goodbye. Oh God, my eyes still swell with tears and my breath catches and the pressure builds in my throat. This farewell has been difficult.

I've been burying my eyes in books, trying to avoid the sad thoughts. I've been letting my heart harden with anger and frustration, something else to focus on rather than the pain. I've been placing blame on other things in order to explain my anger. I've been bitter and negative. But, each day I start again with the hope that I can move forward, that I can smile again.

So, I'm still here, I hope you are, too. I hope that you'll hang on with me while I navigate through these feelings of loss and sadness. I'll find my way back, no matter how many times I have to start again.